october sky

i know it is outdated to be talking about "october sky" - the movie
but i will talk nonetheless. i will always talk abt movies that made me
cry. and this movie did just that twice. ya twice.
that could only mean that there is a part of me that hasn't fulfill its desire. what desire??!
havent u ever felt that u are meant to make a difference? or that u have not "arrived"?
honestly, have u?
i certainly have and that feeling is so damn strong and yet at the same time, i dont dare to consider it. i mean,. what if i think that i am meant to make a diff and then at the end of my life i didnt?? i would be so damn disappointed with myself. hence, is it better not to commit to something too altruistic or too big a magnititude? but i struggle, becos the desire doesnt die.
it has been there since young. so whenever i see a movie like october sky,,, i cry. becos a part of me is dying to serve. dying to make some good for us fellow people. dying to touch the hearts of ppe needing hope, light and love. to tell them that they can be whoever they wanna be and that i believe in them. to inspire them. very confusing right? i dont quite know why.

october sky is again, a movie based on a true story. Homer Hickam was a young boy in a 1950's mining town called Coalwood. his elder brother plays good football, has scholarship (and it is BIG deal) he is never a tough boy and is like a "cho bo" (do nothing teenager). one fateful nite in 1957, artificial satellite, Sputnik goes into orbit. Homer's jaws dropped. he cant think abt anything else except making rockets in his backyard. homer's father is the head of their small town coal mine co. very on, very strict. and his dream is for Homer to become a top-notch coal miner like him. (it was either u become a football player or a top-notch coal miner that makes u big deal, ya 1950s small town) so Homer suffers emotionally. his dad was never pround of him and homer hates the idea of being a miner. he feels that he is meant to make a diff. (see what i mean?) so he had lots of fights with his dad. many hurting exhanges. and his sch environment wasnt fantastic,, u know, sch principal thinks that u either become a football star, a coal miner or become a nobody. but there is this teacher who believes in her students. she encourages them to dream and dream big. blah blah blah, Homer & friends won the big deal science competition and he became highly sought-after. he eventually became an engineer at the NASA and he became the key personnel that shaped the history of rockets. (for real)
nice ending huh?

i hope u get a feel of it too.
; )

baring it all

Psychiatrists asked to comment on whether singaporeans are an honest lot, said that we generally are but when it comes to speaking the truth, we are mostly not honest with it. we do not want to speak from our minds as we generally do not want to deal with conflict. if we can save ourselves from discomfort why not just shut up? ha ha ha. is that true? a little bit of truth if you ask me, i for one do not like conflict but i have learnt to move out from that very comforting zone and speak my truth, be it sometimes blunt or plain pointless. there is this insecurity in me that i am always afraid that i might just offend someone... most of the times i am being overly sensitive as my presumed situation is not real. so i ask myself why am i so worried abt getting into people's black book? i've learnt to reflect upon myself more often than ever and i deal with my insecurities one by one. so that i can be free and just be me. i owe myself that dont you think?

i have to tell u i like my job.. at least for the time being i like it. we are going to pitch for a project.. it is a musical ,, u know broadway kinda musical. our client has a budget of $300K for this project and this musical is just so,,, "jia yu hu xiao" u know-- it is a household piece, i bet EVERYONE knows the theme song be it whether u are 2 or 92. tell u when we successfully get the commission to run it. u know how much celine dion earns? her live shows at las vegas is at contract price $100 mil. ya 100 million and that is US not sing$. is that wow or WOW WOW WOW. do u know the magnitude of having a million dollars a hundred times? and that is just a contract price. think abt how else she is worth. money aside, i like her, u know, faith, determination, confidence, social contribution, having a cause, filial piety etc. i must start thinking on contract terms, instead of dreaming abt toto. i will still dream abt winning at toto but that will be my bonus. u cant blame me for having faith in winning the jackpot. i was once one number away from being a millionaire. close shave huh? closing up the gap im sure.

u know,, my new lecturer for this module is a greenhorn. i am soooooooo damn bored at her lessons i would rather pluck ur white hair. ya it is cheap to ask me pluck, one successful strand cost u only 10cents. only if it's white. if ive got a black one out, then im sorry. it doesnt really matter. plus im quite good at it. see how much nonsense i can think of. ya, i would rather peel something than sit in class... it is boring. she tells us abt her master prog etc 1000 times she said she has masters but she uses words like "a rose" for "arouse" and nowsadays for nowadays. and said "re-examine again" so how many times is re-examine again? four times to be exact. of course i dont mind anyone speaking like that as im not proficient it english language as well, it's just that bragging thing that doesnt quite match the delivery. full of angst me. i told my sch administrator that i dont know if i should feel sorry for the greenhorn lecturer or i should feel sorry for us having to put up with her. i hope she doesnt penalize me for giving honest feedback, well i would know when i get my project back. my grades would tell. haha.

k lunch time over liao. talk tomorrow.

grandpa's birthday

my grandpa is 84

we go to his birthday party every year in july at this
teochew restaurant called "ah hoi"

not that ah hoi restaurant at traders hotel

this ah hoi is authentic at chinatown.

it is really a funny arrangement, a very commercial arrangement.

u see, if grandpa doesnt have his BD party, he'll be very hurt & sad.

but no one is willing to pay $1500 for the whole event

and no one is willing to split the bill to say-- 3 or 4 shares.

so everyone pays their share.

it is standard $50 per head, so everyone pays for their own head

and give an ang bow to grandpa.

if i were grandpa, i would say -- no need dinner, just give me the
$50 cover charge and the regular ang bow.
at least he can make 1500 more right?

but 1500 and no gathering? no family gathering? no quality time?

come to think of it,,, i think grandpa is the one paying for us
since we all minus the $50 from the ang bow we could have given.
eg: i wanted to give grandpa $150. but becos i got to pay for the dinner,
i gave him $100 instead. so silly.

i've never heard of such commercial arrangement except from my family.

that's my family.

***
see the other photo

Liew Lian Ong!

i like him. corny and that show is funny.
that jingle sticks to me.. liew lian onnng.

i like the other "bad" ah beng in the show.
i saw him at bugis doing a roadshow. he's emcee.
good voice he has. almost went up for autograph.
ah bengs are very interesting people.

k, got to go. do assignment.... DEADLINE LIAO
no stress no stress. no no no.

Liew Lian Onnnng!!! 

grandpa's birthday 

national day

i don't feel very nationalistic today

i need to go NDP to feel nationalistic on
National Day.

but please, i am nationalistic okay
it is just that im not warmed-up this year.
maybe i haven't been catching on the
NDay fever from TV or something.

k, k pointless talking to me right?

****
talk about being pointless talking to me.

many frens told me flat in the face that
i am crappy.

"full of crap" they said.

but they laugh. 

they are in denial. they do agree that i have a point
but they may just be too surprised to respond.

let me launch my "pointless" chronicle on NDay.

***

~ pointless series ~
 
while shopping for my 2nd pair of pumps at URS & Inc,
a sign on the shelf read "shoe soles made of pig's skin"
 
(something to that effect la, i may not remember
exact text)
 
i wonder if the 2 malay promoters at the the store
could "handle" the shoes, since it is made of...
you know,,,, pig's skin. i think it's rude if i ask
them... u think so?
 
 
 
 

tribute

 
here's a contribution from an old pal.

“read your blogspot.
lingered over the part that u shared with your new friends
and memories of similar moments that we shared flooded my mind.

really missed those moments that seemed so recent upon
refreshment and yet at the same time appears so long
time ago, almost buried with me in grave if i'm in one
now.

it's conflicting thoughts, memories, emotions and
longings like these that unsettles me at times. as
much as i wish for times of the past, it is
impossible, given the kind of life i lead now. it is
not that my present life is not worthy or less
fullfilling. it's just........different. i made the
decisions i've made so should just look forward and
not back. but being human, it's only natural that i'm
contradicted within at many a times.

well, just sharing fragments of my thoughts with u.
now i can almost visualise my daughter in future
experiencing those similar fun times i had and
relating them to me. i'll probably be responding with
a smile and sigh at the same time, recalling my own
fun girlie times with especially u at zouk after a few
drinks.

love,
uptown girl”
 
***

k, old frens, new frens, when you laugh, cry or simply
just connect with me, we just connect. 

im not going anywhere. 

in fact, ive made a point to live in such a way that if i were
to die the next moment, you would know that i’ve lived
my best.
 
my best effort to connect to u,
my best effort to experience life in my own ways,
my best effort to contribute to our specie
 
and
 
my best effort to be both so full of love and vengeance at the same time.
(think fight club). 
 
people,
i love u and i love me-self.
i am human. i love, i hate, i get angry at things.
i laugh at myself all the time. and i cry when i feel pain + sadness.
i dont like it when the ppe "worship" william hung,
i think that they are laughing at him, not with him.
i fight for very small things,
i fight for a voice to represent you.
 
+ me
 
so people
 
live ur life. and thank you for loving me.

people

i was watching this chinese *Gong Li* movie till 3am

i dont know the tittle, 3am slot is not prime time
they dont flash the show tittle after commercial breaks.

btw, it is not surprising that macdonalds took all the first
commercial slot,, singing "im gonna have big breakfast..blah"
at 2am till wee hours. im lovin it. ha.

ok-- that movie.

that movie made me cry.

a little.

it was set in 1844 era, china, beijing

GongLi in that movie started out young,

as young servant serving a lady prostititute.

i think her chracter is named "shi li"

one day shi li's lady courtsean ran away and
the brothel boss promoted her to become a pro.

she hated it but took it as there isnt much hope on
surviving out there on the streets anyway.

on her first nite as a pro, she dreaded it.
she was soul-less and was plainly hateful with life.

then came all the ah-pek customers (uncles).
they had an important function that nite, with a young
army personnel (the VIP). a learned and refined man

shi li was asked to sing.
she shocked everyone with her "male opera" opening.
everyone's jaws dropped and tension was in the air.

the VIP smiled.
he said "wow, such strong vocals you have"

he fell in love with shi li and took her as his wife.

they rented a small apartment
had it as their love nest
and had such wonderful moments, hand-in-hand
strolling in the park.

ocassionally they had some ppe ridicule them since
shi li was from the brothel

but they held on
his love was good enough

they wanted to have children but as the years went
by,, shi li couldnt concieve.

then she remembered that she had taken the "fruitless" tea
to make her infertile, the nite she supossedly was to become a
pro.

shattered but not broken,
she invited her husband's first wive to their house.
she locked her husband out of their bedroom and
have him concieve with the first wive.

he wanted children and shi li wants him to have them too.

***

along the same time,
shi li took up painting.

she could sketch and paint very well.

her husband thought that it was a harmless pastime
and let her persue it.

there were very few artist in china then.

once,
there was an outrage and uproar when the street people
came charging into their art school and destroyed their
work pieces.

the street people was hateful becos the students were
drawing nude models.

they insulted the students as sluts and whores and
thrashed all of them. bashed up their teacher too.

the art school had to disband

shi li didnt give up
she finds that the body is a very beautiful piece of art
body, to her is soulful and simply godily

once when she was at the public bath-house (like our modern spa)
she secretely sketch the women there
one of them spotted her and they all lashed out on her

they said "go fcuk yourself and draw ur own naked tits"

hey why not? -- shi li thought

since she couldnt get models, she posed and drew herself
from the mirror.

***

years gone by

shi li has become a professor at the art university in china

she is much respected by her students but not her male
colleagues.

they still call her *bitch* sometimes.

shi li just turns a deaf ear. who cares? it doesnt hurt her.

shi li's husband was just as loving and supportive of her.

that nite before she has her own art exhibition,

shi li's husband saw the nude portraits.

"is that you!!??" he asked.

yes (shi li)

oh god, cant you just draw anything or anyone else?!
are you such a whore inside?!!

oh god that hurts. (shi li)

in the end, shi li moved to france where her work
is not an issue.

***

they lived seperately for many many years

till their hair's gone white,

their bodies bent,

they lived apart.

***

one big fire killed shi li's husband.

shi li lived on a few more years in france

having more exhibitions before eventually dying with age

***

it was a real story. a drama-biography. that's why i cried.

people with their narrow minds should just go get fcuked.

but then, it was 1844.

how are we doing

now that it is 2004.